one liners 2 make u smile...

Hanging one scoundrel, it appears, does not deter the next. Well, what of it? The first one is at least disposed of.

Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice.
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place
The cosmos is a gigantic flywheel making 10,000 revolutions per minute. Man is a sick fly taking a dizzy ride on it.
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
A poet more than thirty years old is simply an overgrown child.
A man may be a fool and not know it--but not if he is married.
"Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them." -- Walter Kerr
"The price of greatness is responsibility." -- Sir Winston Churchill
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." -- Michelangelo
"I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work." -- Thomas Edison
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously." -- Hubert Humphrey
"The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you." -- Kin Hubbard
Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best." -- Henry Van Dyke
It ain't braggin' if you can back it up." -- Dizzy Dean
He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened." -- Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
"I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers." -- Kahlil Gibran

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Be content with what we have but not with what we are. We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.
A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.
If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn him.
They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

"Currently commuting between the states of denial and confusion." -- Generik
"Your life is a movie, you choose whether it's a comedy or a drama." -- Locke
If all the world's a stage where is the green room?
Ever wonder why we're here? Well, don't. For thousands of years, man has been trying to figure out the meaning of life, and I don't think you're going to be the one to get it, Mr. smarty-pants.
am officially a computer geek. I recognize more fonts than people. My inner child is cuter than your inner child.
We're all here because we're not all there... Everyone wants to leave footprints on the sands of time, but you can't leave footprints if you're sitting on your butt. And no one wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time.
Go with God, my car's full.
When I get a Porsche I want to put a bumper sticker on it that says "See, I told you my other car was a Porsche."
Freedom is like a kite; there's always a string attached
T hrough others I am somebody.African quote

In solitude be a multitude to oneself.Tibullus
Life is a whim of several billioncells to be you for a while. -Groucho Marx.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance." -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -- William James
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." -- Galileo Galilei
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers." -- The Wall Street Journal Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in." -- George McGovern
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes"
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." -- Arthur C. Clarke
Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass." -- Frank Zappa
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full." -- Henry Kissinger
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.Benson
, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" -- Time Bandits
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."--
Eleanor Roosevelt Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): "Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?" Gandhi: "I think it would be a good idea."
"I've been working on accepting my inner scumbag." -- George Carlin
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Due to recent budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarily turned off.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoatWe waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
Department of Defense: We kill people - so you don't have to!! It's only unethical if you get caught.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't fully understand the situation
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt" -- Mark Twain
How to Handle Stress #1: Use your MasterCard to pay VISA.
How to Handle Stress #2: When someone tells you to "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
How to Handle Stress #3: Find out what a frog-in-a-blender really looks like.
How to Handle Stress #4: Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
How to Handle Stress #5: Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
How to Handle Stress #6: Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.
How to Handle Stress #7: Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend that they're in jail.
How to Handle Stress #8: Make up a language then ask people for directions.

It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
Statistics are like a lamppost to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.
A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?
"Old age begins the instant your attachment to the past exceeds your excitement about the future." -- Alan Parisse 1997 CoCreate Conference Keystone, Co.
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch." -- Lily Tomlin
"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes." -- The Doctor, "Dr. Who" When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." -- Elayne Boosler
A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law. Life is what you make of it...kinda like Play-Doh.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Gene Police. You. Out of the pool.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
Boldly going nowhere
Don't be sexist - broads hate that
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're a jerkI love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make when they go flying by. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifyingMen are like grapes. Its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.
"That's the problem, me and food have such a wonderful relationship." -- Wayne Delaney Being a grown-up is over rated." -- Mary Taylor

Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."-- Lily Tomlin "Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve."-- George Bernard Shaw
know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words."-- Jo Ramos

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.

Always glad to share my ignorance -- I've got plenty. had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
I think, therefore I am. I think.
To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
hAS aNYONE sEEN mY cAPSLOCK kEY?
Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over


Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggie!' till you can find a rock" -- Wynn Catlin
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. " -- Albert Einstein
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." -- Bill Watterson, cartoonist "The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed." -- Sean O'Casey For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out" - Steven Wright Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Death to all fanatics!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its studentsFamous Last Words: "That's odd..."
Famous Last Words: "Watch this!"
Famous Last Words: "So...you're a cannibal...."
Famous Last Words: "Trust me, I know what I'm doing..."
Famous Last Words: "Hey, what could possibly go wrong?"
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill themWar doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." -- Paul Rodriguez Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Performance Reviews "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
"When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
"A Photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
If you don't want it, we don't have it and we can't get it for you.One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
I refuse to star in your psychodrama. I'm a bottomless pit of needs & wants.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
God is dead. --Nietzsche. Nietzsche is dead. --God
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.The problem with reality is the lack of background music.
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Failure is not an option. It is a privilege reserved only for those who try.
They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me." -- Nathaniel Lee, on being consigned to a mental institution, circa 17th century.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
"Any idiot can face a crisis - it's this day-to-day living that wears you out." -- Anton Chekhov "I'm just very selective about the reality I choose to accept." -- Calvin, from the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes "You can't buy back your youth, but you can pay for it later." -- Jeff Stephens via Dan Howells "Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality." -- Jules de Gaultier There's an exception to every rule, except this one.God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things; right now I am so far behind, I will never die.
Accept that somedays you're the pigeon, and somedays you're the statue. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.I think there is a world market for maybe 5 computers." -- Thomas Watson, IBM boss, 1943

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic". -- Unknown Stupidity's cause hasn't been advanced much by its many martyrs.
"God's final message to his Creation: We Apologize For The Inconvenience." -- Douglas Adams, So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish
"I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and gasps, "Oh look at that!" Then- whoosh, and I'm gone...and they'll never see anything like it ever again... and they won't be able to forget me- ever."
"They claim everyone was born, but I don't recall it. Maybe I was having one of my blackouts."

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
When life gives you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt.
"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint." -- Erma Bombeck The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
The view doesn't change unless you're the lead dog.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regretsMOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
There's too much blood in my caffeine system!I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
Be nice to everyone. You never know when you might need someone's cooperation to implement your plan for world domination.
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give inI Haven't Lost My Mind--It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
It may be that your purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

The trouble with work is -- it's so daily.
Pain and suffering are inevitable but misery is optional.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
God must love stupid people... He made SO many.
IQs in the rearview mirror may appear larger than they really are
I don't have a problem with God, it's just some of his fan club A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried beforeA balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.You should not confuse your career with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Your friends love you, anyway.
"Continually doing the same things in the same ways and expecting different results is insanity." - Milliken & Company

Every day that I wake up without a chalk-line around my body - is a good day.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal
They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse." -- Emily Dickinson (1830 - 1886) Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is." -- Francis Bacon
"My goal in life is to survive. Everything else is just a bonus." -- The Lockhorns

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?